<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Real Life Nightmare by gekkagumi</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23010013">Real Life Nightmare</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gekkagumi/pseuds/gekkagumi'>gekkagumi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A3! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up &amp; Making Up, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:27:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23010013</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gekkagumi/pseuds/gekkagumi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chikage Utsuki was not crying. He wasn't crying, because Chikage Utsuki did not cry. (One Hisoka Mikage might call out that lie, but he wasn't here now to do so.) And Chikage Utsuki definitely did not cry over something like scaring his partner away by attacking him when he woke up from a nightmare.</p><p>He had definitely screwed up this time. But how badly?</p><p>Inspired by/continuation of <a href="https://twitter.com/masodynamite/status/1233417297055899648?s=19">this comic</a> by the amazing Yui, who makes me cry every time she posts. ❤️</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>234</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Real Life Nightmare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I had an idea of everything I wanted to put in the tags but then couldn't get them to work on mobile so I'm just dropping it all in the notes I guess.</p><p>There's background HomaHiso because I'm weak and also sorry I'm incapable of not writing gekkagumi.<br/>Hisoka meddles too much. He cares. Heavy use of LIME messaging because Chikage is isolating himself and theres gotta be SOME sort of communication. I don't know everyones LIME handles I'm sorry I bullshitted so much. Also i dont know how LINE/LIME works anyway so sorry if any of that is inaccurate.</p><p>There's lots of characters that show up briefly that I'm not tagging.</p><p>This fic is just Chikage doesn't know how to be honest with himself about his emotions, the fic. I mean Chikage doesn't know how to be honest with himself in general. Well... Chikage doesn't know how to be honest.</p><p>Betas are for cowards.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chikage Utsuki was <em>not</em> crying. He wasn't crying, because Chikage Utsuki did not cry. (One Hisoka Mikage might call out that lie, but he wasn't here now to do so.) And Chikage Utsuki <em>definitely</em> did not cry over something like scaring his partner away by attacking him when he woke up from a nightmare.</p><p>He had definitely screwed up this time. But how badly?</p><p>It's not like Itaru didn't know what Chikage was really like. He had already seen... well, more than Chikage was comfortable letting anyone outside of his family see. But this wasn't just hurting and threatening strangers. This was Itaru he had turned his knife on.</p><p>God. Just what had he done?</p><p>He looked down at the knife still in his hands. The shining steel was still unblemished. But that didn't mean Chikage's hands were clean. No, Chikage had caught a glimpse of the red marks on Itaru's wrists from being pinned down too hard, and the fact that he had made Itaru make such a frightened face was a crime in itself.</p><p>No wonder Itaru wanted to get away from him. Chikage would probably have left too if he were in Itaru's shoes. That's why he couldn't go after Itaru. Even though every inch of him desperately wanted to follow him, to say "don't leave," to beg for forgiveness, he couldn't stoop that low, and he couldn't do to Itaru. Itaru deserved better than that.</p><p>Could he ever earn Itaru's forgiveness? How could he, really? Was there forgiveness for hurting someone you cared about? What if he did it again? What was to stop that from happening again? He thought back to when he first joined Mankai, what he did to Hisoka back then. Was he doomed to always hurt everyone he got close to? Perhaps this was what July meant when he always called their family foolish. People in Chikage's line of work had no right to attempt to get close to others, when it would only hurt them in the end. And it was that line of thinking which led Chikage to his conclusion in the end. He knew what he had to do.</p><p>Chikage's footsteps were completely silent as he got out of bed. His bedroom door made a quiet creak as he opened it, and though he was sure Itaru wouldn't hear it, he was already coming up with a lie in case Itaru noticed him up and asked what he was doing. He snuck towards the door of the guest room, and for once was relieved to hear the annoying sounds of singing anime girls. He had hoped Itaru had gone back to sleep, but of course he take advantage of being woken up and use up all his LP on his mobile games. Or maybe he needed a distraction from what had just happened. Probably both, Chikage realized. Either way, he could only hope that the rhythm game would cover up the sound of him sneaking out of the building, and he could escape unnoticed. He still couldn't be too careful though, and moved as carefully and quietly as possible when opening and closing the front door. And once he was out, well... He knew he had to get away from here as soon as possible.</p><p>It was only once he was in his car and a little ways down the road, that Chikage realized he didn't know where he was going to go. He drove a bit further, to be sure he wasn't followed (not that he really thought he was), before pulling over to think things through. The obvious answer was his hideout–it was safe, and Itaru didn't know where it was. He really didn't want to go there though, as he was certain if he remained alone after what he'd done, he would lose his mind. The next option to come to mind was Hisoka's place. Hisoka being one of the few people Chikage could trust (though even he wasn't trusted fully, as Chikage continued to keep secrets from Hisoka as well), it would be an alright option if it weren't for Hisoka's rather annoying partner who was probably way too much of a blabbermouth. But that brought to mind a third option, another from Hisoka's Winter Troupe, Azuma. The man had done this sort of thing as a career once, keeping people company at night, right? But then, Azuma was way too good at getting people to open up to him, and Chikage definitely did NOT want to do that. When it came to people who he could trust not to ask too many questions, Chikage's thoughts drifted back to Hisoka. Hisoka knew him well enough to know when he didn't want to talk about something, and he could probably get his boyfriend to leave Chikage alone too.</p><p>Chikage sighed as he pulled out his phone. That really was his best option, huh? He dialed Hisoka's number, deciding he would be nice enough to give him a bit of a heads up before just showing up. <em>"You woke me up."</em> a sleepy voice answered the phone quicker than Chikage expected.</p><p>"You could have slept through it." he shot back without a moment's hesitation. Hisoka could sleep through just about anything. The familiar banter between the two of them helped settle Chikage's nerves somewhat. </p><p><em>"If it's April calling at this hour, it's usually something important."</em> Hisoka continued.</p><p>"Don't you know better than to keep calling me that so openly by now?" Chikage changed the subject, unwilling to admit Hisoka had a point, and how shitty it would look when it came out that the situation was much more tame than what Hisoka probably had in mind.</p><p><em>"I'm at home. Who's gonna hear? Arisu?"</em> Hisoka replied flatly.</p><p>"It's still a bad habit." Chikage told him.</p><p><em>"What do you want,</em> Chikage<em>?"</em> Chikage found himself rolling his eyes at Hisoka's sarcastic emphasis of his fake name.</p><p>"I'm coming over." Chikage answered. There was a sigh on the other end of the line before Hisoka spoke again.</p><p><em>"You woke me up for that? I'm going back to sleep."</em> Hisoka hung up before Chikage had a chance to respond, not that he had anything else to say.</p><p>Thankfully it was only a short drive to Hisoka's place. Chikage briefly second guessed his decision because of that, since Itaru could easily find him there, but it was only one night (Chikage wouldn't dare stay longer), and hopefully by the time Itaru realized he was gone, it would probably be too late for him to come looking anyway. The door to Hisoka's apartment was unlocked when Chikage got there (he made a mental note to scold Hisoka for that later), so Chikage let himself in, and was surprised to see Hisoka laying on the couch.</p><p>"Oh, Utsuki, is that you?" Homare called from another room. Homare was probably up late writing still, Chikage thought, as Hisoka had told Chikage that Homare had that bad habit.</p><p>"Yes. Thank you for having me at this late hour." Chikage greeted. Hisoka stirred on the couch upon hearing the two conversing.</p><p>"April..." he greeted, sitting up to give Chikage room to sit next to him. "Did something happen? You're not injured again?" As soon as Chikage was seated, Hisoka laid down again, resting his head in his family's lap.</p><p>"It's... nothing." Chikage replied, resting a hand on Hisoka's head as Hisoka glanced up at him, "I'm fine." He shot Hisoka a glare, a silent message not to ask about it, which Hisoka responded to with a sigh.</p><p>"What was even the point in coming here if you're not going to talk about it?" he asked.</p><p>"Well it certainly wasn't to be your pillow." Chikage retorted. Despite saying that though, he sure wasn't doing anything to stop Hisoka from using his lap as such. He'd certainly never admit it, but this was all he wanted right now. The familiar presence on his lap and the friendly banter between them was more than enough to distract Chikage from what he had done that night. Both hurting Itaru and leaving him like that weighed heavily upon him, and Chikage couldn't let that get to him right now.</p><p>It didn't take long for Hisoka to fall back asleep in Chikage's lap. And when Homare finally went to bed not much later, Chikage promised he would carry Hisoka back to his bed before leaving. And that, unfortunately, left Chikage alone with his thoughts, though slightly better equipped to handle them now that he was away from everything. Watching his sleeping family before him, it made him wonder if Hisoka had ever struggled with something similar. Chikage knew Hisoka faced nightmares too as his memory returned, and even losing his memory hadn't dulled years worth of training and instincts. Still, even knowing better than anyone else just what the boy who had once been 'December' was capable of, Chikage couldn't imagine the soft looking boy ever hurting any of his new friends and family, even if it was an accident.</p><p>Chikage decided that line of thinking wasn't worth pursuing anyway. Even if Hisoka did have the relevant life experience, there was no way Chikage would go to him for advice. And Chikage knew what he was doing when considering that. He was trying to convince himself that there was a chance for him. He wanted to believe he could go back, that he could fix things, that he hadn't ruined everything already, that he was worth a second chance. He wanted to believe that he was worth the love that Itaru had so foolishly given to him for so long. But he knew he couldn't do that. Not after what he'd done. There was no chance for a man like Chikage. All he could do was throw himself back into his work, make his life revolve around the organization again, and try to forget this whole mistake had ever happened. That would probably be easier said than done, but it wasn't like Chikage had many other options.</p><p>After a few hours of sitting like that, deep in thought, a LIME notification disturbed his train of thought. Without thinking, he opened the messages. Big mistake.</p><p>[ taruchi: where did you go? ]</p><p>[ taruchi: i know last night was... ]</p><p>[ taruchi: i mean, its not like you to just disappear without saying anything ]</p><p>[ taruchi: unless youre trying to leave us again ]</p><p>[ taruchi: haha jk i know youd never do that ]</p><p>[ taruchi: haha ]</p><p>A wave of guilt washed over Chikage. Itaru may have been trying to play it cool, but it was obvious he was totally freaking out. And now Itaru was going to see that he'd read the messages too, all because Chikage didn't bother to think before tapping on the notification. That double whammy of terrible consequences was all it took to tell Chikage that it was about time he left. Sure to keep his word though, he did carry Hisoka back to his room.</p><p>Realizing there could be trouble if Itaru came looking for him here though, Chikage decided to wake Hisoka before leaving. "Hey. Wake up." A bright green eye opened to shoot Chikage an annoyed look. "If anyone asks, I wasn't here. And if anyone comes looking for me, it would be best if you wouldn't divulge that information."</p><p>Hisoka pouted, realizing what that meant. "You're leaving."</p><p>"There's something I need to do." Chikage replied, "You needn't worry, really."</p><p>A small huff came from the sleepy man, who wrapped his arms around Chikage's waist for a moment. "When you're ready to talk about it..."</p><p>"Yeah, I know." Chikage answered, knowing that his family was always there for him. Even when he didn't want him to be. He ruffled silver hair with a smile, before turning to leave. As he did, his phone was met with another wave of LIME notifications. Against his better judgement, Chikage read the message previews in the notifications before swiping them away.</p><p>[ taruchi: ignoring my messages, very funny senpai ]</p><p>[ taruchi: i get if youre mad at me for last night an...]</p><p>[ taruchi: im sorry, i really am just please come ho...]</p><p>[ taruchi: dont make me send sakuya after you ag...]</p><p>It was probably a good thing those messages got cut off where they did, because just the start of them already sent another pang of guilt through Chikage's chest. He knew he should probably just block Itaru's contact, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it just yet. Mankai really had softened him too much.</p>
<hr/><p>Over the next few days, Chikage found out that just removing himself from Itaru's life was not enough to remove Itaru from his. The actors at Mankai sure could be stubborn. Much to Chikage's annoyance, he received messages from just about every member of the troupe, each giving him a subtle glimpse into the aftermath of his actions.</p><p>[ Veludo's #1 Director: Itaru locked himself in one of the spare dorms at Mankai and won't come out, do you know what's going on? ]</p><p>Deleted.</p><p>[ sakusaku: hey! ummm, just checking in cause itaru seems really upset... i don't know what happened but everyone is worried about you guys! ]</p><p>Deleted.</p><p>[ Citron: Chikage! Pleads come home song! Everyone masses you! ]</p><p>Deleted.</p><p>[ Tsuzurun: Did Itaru lose his job or something? I don't think he's gone in for several days now since he crashed at Mankai suddenly... ]</p><p>Deleted.</p><p>[ NEO: WTF did you do to itaru? ]</p><p>[ NEO: he isnt even in the top 1000 of the idolmistress event! it's his best girl you know. ]</p><p>[ NEO: if you ever even think about showing your ugly face around here again i swear i'm gonna pound your ass into the ground ]</p><p>In the time it took Chikage to block Banri, he somehow received at least 7 more messages in the same vein of the last one, full of expletives and threats. It would have been funnier if Chikage didn't think he deserved it.</p><p>[ December: I heard about what happened with you and Itaru. ]</p><p>Okay, that one he didn't delete. He didn't think he could escape Hisoka even if he wanted to. Not that he actually wanted to though. No matter what, he couldn't lose his and August's precious family again.</p><p>[ December: I know I said I wouldn't ask about it, but since I found out anyway, I thought I should let you know. ]</p><p>Of course, Hisoka hadn't outright stated that he wouldn't ask about it, but naturally he respected their agreement even when it was nonverbally communicated. Still, Chikage was surprised though. He didn't think Hisoka and Itaru talked that much.</p><p>[ chikausa: He told you? ]</p><p>[ December: No. He told Homare. ]</p><p>That was even more bewildering. He couldn't really imagine the two of them talking. Sure, they were both oddballs, but in completely different ways.</p><p>[ chikausa: I didn't think they talked. ]</p><p>[ December: I guess he wanted to know how Homare handled that kind of stuff with me. ]</p><p>So Chikage's suspicion that Hisoka once struggled with the same thing had turned out to be true. Chikage wanted to ask him, <em>"How did you deal with it?," "How do I fix this?,"</em> or <em>"How can I live with what I've done?"</em> He didn't send any of those messages though, knowing he didn't have any right. Instead, another message came in from Hisoka.</p><p>[ December: It's not like you to be so cowardly and run away like that. ]</p><p>Chikage sighed. Of course Hisoka didn't understand at all. He wasn't a part of that life anymore. Even if his past still affected him, he couldn't really understand what it was like for Chikage here and now. He always knew his profession put anyone associated with him at risk, but when he hurt the people he cared about himself, that was too far.</p><p>[ chikausa: It's not like that. It's the right thing to do. I can't hurt him again. ]</p><p>[ December: Because hurting him like this is totally better. ]</p><p>[ December: Normal people hurt each other all the time. Like, way more than you would think. ]</p><p>[ December: But what is worse, staying and trying to be better, or running away from what you did? ]</p><p>[ chikausa: I don't recall asking for your advice. ]</p><p>[ December: What makes you think I care what you want? I just think Itaru being all depressed like this is annoying. ]</p><p>Chikage decided that message didn't deserve a response, and put his phone away. He had a mission to get ready for anyway. Surely that would keep his mind off things. And by the time he got back, hopefully everyone would have settled down and would leave him alone.</p><p>[ taruchi: please come home. im sorry. ]</p><p>Something told Chikage that the mission was going to be child's play in comparison to his personal mission of keeping his mind off Itaru.</p>
<hr/><p>Each day that went by was easier on Chikage than the one before, so when he finally returned to his hideout after yet another successful mission, there was a moment when he thought he was doing just fine getting his life back on track post-Chigasaki.</p><p>Naturally, Chikage was lying to himself just as much as he was to everyone else. And naturally, that false confidence in his control of his emotions lasted about as long as it took him to check his phone for the first time since getting back.</p><p>Chikage's prediction that tensions would settle in the week or so he was away turned out to be correct. Only three new messages and one voicemail. He knew better than to look at those notifications. He looked at them anyway. Did it still count as torture if it was self inflicted?</p><p>One was from Hisoka, which contained nothing but a link to an article from a site that appeared to be targeted towards gamers. Chikage had a suspicion he knew what he was going to find there, but tapped the link anyway. "POPULAR KNIROUN STREAMER CALLING IT QUITS?" read the headline, which was about as clickbaity as it gets, as the article went on to clarify that Taruchi was not in fact quitting, but rather, had announced an indefinite hiatus. The message Hisoka was trying to send was clear. <em>"Look what you did to him."</em> It was one Chikage really did not need to be told. He already knew his crime. He also knew that every move he could make right now would only make things worse.</p><p>The other two messages were from Itaru. The first appeared to be lengthy, as it easily went over the character limit of what could appear in the notification preview without actually opening the message.</p><p>[ taruchi: i knew you would leave one day but you ...]</p><p>Chikage could guess the direction that message went in. Scolding him for leaving without saying anything no doubt. As if he could have possibly faced Itaru after what happened. No way. If he dared contact Itaru, even if it was something as simple as a letter attempting to explain himself and apologize, Chikage was sure he would break down and go back. The lack of faith Itaru seemed to have in him stung a bit too, even if it was justified. "I knew you would leave one day" turned out to be true, but it didn't feel great to know that Itaru was always expecting Chikage to leave him in the end. Maybe that was for the better though. Maybe that made it easier for Itaru to move on.</p><p>The second message was shorter, yet somehow it hurt worse than anything else from the past 2 weeks combined.</p><p>[ taruchi: i hate you. ]</p><p>Chikage was certain he felt his heart stop upon reading those words. He slammed his phone down on his desk. What right did he have to be hurt by those words? Wasn't it better this way? Wasn't it his fault Itaru felt that way? Chikage knew he was not the victim here. He was the villain. Even so, the pain of heartbreak still tormented him. Was this his punishment for the sins of allowing Itaru to get that close to begin with, and for hurting him the way he did? Chikage could only assume so.</p><p>Chikage took a deep breath. He needed to stop focusing so much on this. Everything was fine. He got what he wanted. Itaru wasn't going to be hurt by him anymore. Now that Itaru hated him, there was no chance of falling back into his arms and making more mistakes. He was free. He wasn't lonely. And if he didn't believe that now, there was plenty of time to convince himself. He could do that much at least. All he had to do was go back to the way things were before.</p><p>Show up to work. Pretend you don't notice the absence of one of your juniors. Everything is fine. Return to your hideout. Pretend you don't long for a home to return to instead. Everything is fine. Focus on your mission. Pretend that's the only thing that matters to you. Everything is fine. Rinse and repeat.</p><p>It was no problem, right? It didn't take long for Chikage to become numb to it all. Maybe it really was fine.</p><p>Until one day, it wasn't.</p><p><em>Ding!</em> The LIME notification that was the start of all his plans crashing down.</p><p>[ December: Are you home right now? ]</p><p>With no one around, Chikage didn't need to pretend he wasn't annoyed by Hisoka's message.</p><p>[ chikausa: I don't have a home. ]</p><p>Chikage thought about leaving it at that, but since he knew what Hisoka really meant, he decided to be nice for once and answer properly.</p><p>[ chikausa: I'm at the hideout if that's what you're asking. ]</p><p>Hisoka's response came immediately.</p><p>[ December: You still have a home, you just refuse to come back to it. ]</p><p>[ December: I figured you'd be there though. ]</p><p>[ December: Anyway, don't be mad at me. He bribed me with really expensive marshmallows. ]</p><p>Chikage didn't like the sound of that, but before he could respond questioning just what it was that Chikage was mad at him for (because whatever it was, Chikage was certain that he was going to end up being angry about it, and marshmallows definitely weren't going to be a suitable excuse, no matter how expensive they were), there was a knock on the door. Chikage froze. The knock was quiet, hesitant, like the person doing it was uncertain of what they were doing. But as Chikage listened, the person knocked the same familiar pattern their family had used before. This was definitely Hisoka's doing.</p><p>He grabbed his pocket knife, concealing it in his left hand in case of the worst case scenario, before slowly and silently approaching the door. He paused a moment when he reached it, listening for any sign of who or what might be out there. There was no sound, until he heard a weary sigh, and the sound of footsteps starting to walk away. Chikage was pretty sure he knew who was out there, and he was pretty sure he was going to kill Hisoka for telling him where to find him, and he was pretty sure the last thing he wanted to do was open the door, especially when that person seemed to be giving up. But knowing he was so close, Chikage couldn't help himself. He opened the door. And there he was.</p><p>Dark blonde hair with light tips was messier than Chikage thought possible, not even tied back out of pink eyes. Then again, perhaps it was left in front of those eyes intentionally, an attempt to hide what looked like a month's worth of dark circles and eye bags. Cheeks were still stained with tears and light skin was paler than Chikage had ever seen it before.</p><p>Though practically unrecognizable in his current state, there was no doubting that standing before him was Itaru Chigasaki. Chikage steeled himself for the confrontation, forcing his face into a perfectly neutral expression and shoving all his emotions down. "What are you doing here Chigasaki?" he asked, his words coming out more venomous than intended. Maybe that was for the better though, Chikage thought.</p><p>Itaru flinched at Chikage's harsh tone. Chikage tried to pretend he wasn't affected by that. "Sorry, this was a mistake, I should–"</p><p>"You really came all this way, bribed Hisoka with supposedly expensive sweets to find me, just to leave without even doing anything?" Chikage asked, every word sounding more like a mistake than the last. Why couldn't he leave well enough alone? Itaru's eyes remained focused on the ground. He couldn't even look at Chikage, and Chikage couldn't blame him.</p><p>It took a moment before Itaru found his words. "I didn't know what to do… I still don't know what to do. You just disappeared without saying anything that night. Do you know how much I've been beating myself up for that, wishing I could go back and do things differently or... or something. God. I don't know what to do." Chikage could hear in Itaru's voice that he was starting to cry again. He tried to pretend he didn't notice, or didn't care. "I don't know what I'm saying. I just... I've been so lost. I mean you didn't even say goodbye. How am I supposed to cope with that when I... I didn't even get a chance to apologize or at least see you one last time or even know what was going on. And I get that I can't take back what happened that night and fine, do whatever you want to me, I probably deserve it, but you shouldn't take it out on everyo-"</p><p>Chikage couldn't listen anymore. "I'm not punishing you. Or any of them for that matter."</p><p>"Why then?" Itaru's voice cracked as he spoke, and it took everything in Chikage not to flinch, to maintain his neutral mask. "I knew that you couldn't stay forever, that you never would, that I wasn't…" Itaru shook his head, and Chikage was glad he didn't finish that thought, suspecting it would end in a self deprecating way that would hurt Chikage's heart further "But why did you have to do it in the most painful way possible?" Chikage's mind was going a thousand miles an hour trying to figure out how to get out of this situation, what lies to tell. This wasn't going according to plan at all. What even was the plan for a situation like this? But before Chikage could formulate a new course of action, Itaru did something which knocked Chikage even further off balance. Pink eyes, weary, pained, and red from crying, finally looked up and met Chikage's hardened steel blue ones. Chikage wanted desperately to look away. He couldn't. "Tell me why, Chikage. I'll leave you alone after that if that's what you want. But don't I at least deserve an explanation?"</p><p>Of course Itaru deserved an explanation. Chikage had always known that. The problem was that he was too cowardly to give it to him (there was no denying it at this point, he was indeed a coward). But now, looking into those desperate eyes that demanded honesty, Chikage was weak. No matter how much he tried not to let him be, Itaru was Chikage's weakness. He had no lies left to tell. Not like this. "Fine." he spat, using venom to cover up his own feelings, the pain he had been feeling all along. "You want to know? I couldn't face you after what I did. And last I checked you weren't fond of being around me after that either."</p><p>"I-I... I didn't know what to do." Itaru sounded as desperate as Chikage felt. "I was scared. I thought it would be best to give you space. I'm sorry Senpai. I've tried so many times to apologize for it. But if you were mad at me for that then-"</p><p>"I'm not–are you even listening to me? I'm not mad at you, I'm–" Chikage was annoyed, but Itaru, in his frustration, didn't let him finish.</p><p>"You're what?" Itaru demanded.</p><p>"I'm mad at myself! I could have <em>killed</em> you Itaru!" Chikage belatedly realized he was yelling, but couldn't seem to control his volume even with that realization. "I couldn't put you in that situation again, but there was no way I could face you without changing my mind."</p><p>Itaru was lost for words. "I... you..." His frustration and desperation faded as he processed what Chikage had just said. "You... you didn't though... you didn't and you wouldn't. You won't." Itaru's voice was soft, shaky, and uncertain, but slowly gained confidence as he spoke.</p><p>"You don't know that. I could. I already went that far, what if–" Chikage protested, but Itaru interrupted once again, his voice even stronger than before.</p><p>"Stop, Senpai. Just stop." he said. "You won't. I know you." Itaru slowly reached out and took Chikage's hand, ignoring the way Chikage flinched away just slightly. "You're being stupid, Senpai."</p><p>The corners of Chikage's mouth twitched up a bit at that, much to his dismay. It was so very like Itaru, and Chikage knew he had desperately missed that. He couldn't do this though. He couldn't stop himself though. "You're the one being stupid." he told Itaru.</p><p>"What, cause you think I'm gonna get hurt?" Itaru asked. "Even if I was really worried about that, which I'm not, because I trust you, when have I ever hesitated to put myself in dangerous situations with you?"</p><p>Chikage sighed. "Never. You know I hate that about you."</p><p>"Yet you love me." Itaru replied, his smirk looking out of place on his weary, tearstained face. And when Chikage didn't deny it, Itaru pulled Chikage close, and kissed him gently. Chikage closed his eyes, praying that he could hold back the tears that wanted to fall. "Come home, Chikage."</p><p>"I–" </p><p>"I'm not taking no for an answer." Itaru tightened his grip on Chikage, as if that would stop him somehow. They both knew Chikage was much stronger than him, but he had to try. "Quit being a brat, Senpai." he added, before Chikage could protest again. "We'll figure things out."</p><p>Chikage sighed. He couldn't fight Itaru like this. His weakness won once more. "You're the one being a stubborn brat you know. But fine... fine. Come on then." With that, Chikage scooped Itaru into his arms and began to carry him away.</p><p>"Hey!? Chi–"</p><p>"You look like you're about to pass out." Chikage didn't let Itaru finish his protest. "Have you even slept?"</p><p>Itaru turned away from Chikage. "Maybe... a couple days ago." he mumbled. "I haven't really been able to sleep lately... or eat... or game... or–"</p><p>"I get it." Chikage interrupted, not needing the additional guilt trip as he carried Itaru to his car. He paused a moment when he set Itaru down in the car, then spoke. "I'm sorry."</p><p>"What?" Itaru looked up at Chikage with gleeful eyes. It wasn't often Chikage apologized so genuinely like that. "Did you just–"</p><p>"I'm not repeating myself." Chikage said as he shut the car door behind Itaru. "Get some rest, Chigasaki."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah..." Itaru grumbled, waiting for Chikage to get in on the driver's side before leaning over to rest on Chikage's shoulder.</p><p>Chikage shoved him off, only for Itaru to lean right back against him again. "Must you be such a pain?" Chikage asked.</p><p>"Well, you did tell me to get some rest," Itaru answered with a yawn, "and how could I do that without a pillow to lay on? I'm not like Hisoka y'know. Besides, it's the least my unromantic senior could do for me." Chikage rolled his eyes, but didn't argue as he started to drive them back to their home. "Hey, Chikage?" Itaru mumbled, almost asleep already, now that tensions had finally settled.</p><p>"Hm?" Chikage glanced over at the half asleep man next to him.</p><p>"We're gonna be okay, right?"</p><p>Chikage was silent for a moment. "Yeah," he finally answered, "I think we are."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed! This is my first time writing fic in years and obviously my first time writing for A3, so I hope it's alright! I'm on twitter @ gaihiso! ❤️</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>